Compulsion

No more Christmas for me folks!

Having a random but frequent compulsion of wanting to punch in faces.

Note to the planet: Don't do nice things for people just to try to control them and to see what you get out of it. Do what you want; if you want to do good, just do it.

Otherwise, go Eff yourself and do us all a favor.

Night!

Current Obsession - Reading

Murder mystery just seems like a natural progression after Vampire romance right?

Ok - yeah so, it's been a LONG while

I know I haven't been writing for sometime. It is definitely not because I have nothing going on. There's really been way too much to going. I don't know where to start and what to say, so instead of hashing it out over and over again like I have been in my head every minute of every day, I'm moving on. Or trying too. Here's to living in the moment and being random.

Ugh, hopefully this will make my brain stop slamming against my skull and trying to constantly escape.

Oh the craziness….

I haven’t updated in a long time so I need to get it all out of my head before it just disappears. I’ve been making mad time in trying to clean up and catch up, a constant whirl of activity, as if I didn’t have enough to think and do before this month came along.

I’ve been trying to sort things out and get them all flat in front of me, to inspect the folds and the texture in the paper of what is going on in my life right this moment. I don’t really know where I’m headed. Since the storm, I’ve had to bottle up and pack away that which was “normal” for our daily routine, and I’m just now getting where I can pull each part out. Going piece by piece again to inspect it – trying to tie its value to what is the “present” before tossing it to the burn pile. A whole lot has happened to make me really think about what’s important now. As if the hurricane didn’t scare enough into me.

My little circle lost 2 people in the past couple of weeks.

For some reason other than normal, I was emotionally on edge last, last Tuesday. I blamed it on hormones, but I still couldn’t shake it. I could NOT tolerate getting picked on at work and was easily brought to tears, which just scared the Boys more. LOL As I frantically tried to pull myself together, I got a call. It was Candy. Hysterical. I had to have her repeat her news over and over, although I knew it hurt, just because I couldn’t wrap my head around the words. Our friend Yohan had died.

He was a part of my life many years ago and would briefly flutter in and out throughout the years. Mack introduced me to Yohan and Zach for the first time the same night, back when I was a Senior in high school. I can still remember so much of that night. We goofed around and had Taco Bell for dinner. We went back to my apartment. I baked Chocolate chip cookies. Zach made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself. I ran around in my long yellow t-shirt nightgown, while we made jokes and laughed. Yohan fell asleep in the recliner – where instead of snoring, he kind of moaned.

Yohan, Mack, and I became even better friends after that; I wouldn’t see Zach again really until our first date years later. Yohan was understanding. Yohan was a confidant. He helped me understand so many things about myself that I didn’t quite get. We laughed a lot. He helped me get through my first “It’s not you – it’s me” rejection. I miss him a lot, even though we grew apart over the last few years. I hate that the last time I saw him, we were all so sad. I’ll always remember the Yohan that made me laugh (even if I didn’t care to know why).

There won’t be any memorial or funeral here for Yohan, so I’ll just have to drink an extra drink for him this year and smile an extra smile for my gone friend.

Zach’s great Uncle Charlie also passed that same week. He was 92 years old and had been married to Aunt Frankie for 71 years. He was a bright and shiny kind of person that made you laugh and feel loved. The loss of him to his wife and family is just HEART-BREAKING. I don’t know a lot of Zach’s Mom’s side of the family and getting to meet them and listen to their stories at the viewing and the funeral gave me a chance to see more of Charlie. Although the time I got to know him was a flash in the pan, those stories painted a fuller view of the large heart he had. The full life he lived. The day of the funeral was just the right amount of warm and cool, and it all seemed to fit right together under the massive Oak trees.

So that wiped out the last week of September for me.

October unfortunately has brought its own brand of drama, but I’m just trying to steer clear. There’s just such a hard line in being there for the people you care about and getting used. I’m trying to keep with my policy of letting go and embracing the positive. People have a tendency to go and do what they want, and not always what they have to do. The lies and excuses made for one’s own selfishness are more than I could ever have imagined, and I’ll have to find a way to forgive, forget, or just move on. It will eventually sort itself out. I just hate the way they had to happen and wish (however useless that might be) that things could have been different.

But it’s going to be just fine.

Work has resumed at its normal pace of crazy. I love my job more and more each day for the distraction it brings. It is the perfect love-hate want-need environment that gives me just enough stress to distract, just enough structure to plan the week out, and just enough value to make me feel grounded and needed somewhere.

I got to have a great weekend this past weekend. Friday night Zach and I went to Chessy and Adam’s house. We brought over beer, wine, the PS3, and Iron Man. Since the boys figured out how to play the PS3 on the TV, Chessy and I got a chance to run out on the porch and just hang. Just the TWO of us. It was pretty wonderful. We’ve been super busy lately and I miss her so much when we don’t get to hang or talk as much as we would like. The hurricane total blew our birthday plans for her, and she started work not shortly after that. So we had a great bottle of wine, secret smokes, and even better conversation.

Saturday I had a lazy morning and afternoon with Zach. We’ve really been happy lately. I know I’ve probably jinxed myself now, but the last month has really drawn me closer to him. We’re goofy and complete each other in that “Gag me you 2 are too cute” way. It will be 7.5 years this month. Whoa.

I ended up going to dinner with my Mom Saturday night and then going to visit my girl forEVER, Danielle. It has seriously been more than a YEAR since we got to see each other so I was really excited about going out with her and staying the night like Old Times. After a beer at her place and finishing up her online homework, we hit up Fitz for some music and some drinks. I got to meet a lot of wonderful, beautiful people and listen to some pretty cool music and conversation. Good time all around!!! At some point, we made our way back home and went straight to bed!

Next morning we had Breakfast that turned into brunch at one of our old hang spots, the House of Pies. Yum. Thank you, Acapulco Breakfast. You were the cure to my headache even though you gave me a tummy ache eventually. Then Danni and I rushed to Edward’s and saw “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist,” which I loved more than I ever expected. I want the soundtrack and Danni wants a nerdy boyfriend with excellent music taste. Where’s FLUFFY?!!!!!! LOL After the movie, I took Danni home and made her go study and made me go home. Zach and I got to go hang with his mom, sister, brother-in-law, and niece. Niki made some AWESOME roast, rice, and gravy. It was not ONLY delicious, but I didn’t have to cook!!! Score. We ended the night with a hearty game of Scrabble. Note: Zach is a sore loser.

Then I had to go through Monday, which wasn’t as bad as I had expected, but still pretty rough. It was all OK once I left because of the following:

A. Talked to Candy and she misses me too. I’ll probably visit tomm or Thursday while Denny’s at work.

B. Visited mom and she gave me a back rub in effort to transfer some of her sunshine energy.

C. Traffic wasn’t that bad and I got to the Woodlands at a decent time.

D. Didn’t have to cook – Zach wanted to meet up for dinner with the Family again at Los Cucos.

E. I got mexican food!!! And a margarita!

F. We all played scrabble again – where I schooled the crew AGAIN and Zach was still a sore loser.

So that’s that, and it took me forever to type this…. And now I have to go fall asleep immediately so I can go back to work tomorrow! SUPER EARLY!

New fave....

Note to everything and everyone:

I freaking love the Cho Show on vh1.
Ha ha click here to hear her single... "I Cho Am a Woman"

Yeah, it's pretty surreal.

We finally have power and water in our house now, and slowly pieces are starting to fall back into places where they belong. I wouldn’t say they’re going back to normal because the pieces have definitely been changed and affected. For who knows how long.

The storm came. It came with a freaking vengeance. Like nothing I could have ever prepared myself for or expected or imagined. It was massive.

Last moment I had to collect my thoughts was in a rush – hurried after working late to close up the office last, last Thursday – ironically September 11th. I had worked late to try and give as many people I could an opportunity to pick up their paychecks at the office instead of mailing them. It took me almost 2 hours to get home the back way, but I probably made better time than if I had gone on the freeway. Mom and Uncle Bill were stuck for a few hours going 15 mph on the way to Oklahoma evacuating.

The rest of my Thursday evening and Friday were a blur of hurricane prep. Laundry. Supply gathering. Cleaning. Digging. Raking. Boarding up windows. Muttering curse words to whirling skies. Fear. Fear.
Oh, and more Fear of the Unknown. We hadn’t decided on where we were going to weather the storm. I let Zach do that. I didn’t want to be the one to chose. We ended up deciding to stay at the “Fortress” – at Zach’s Dad’s house, next door to the Shop where we live.

I made brownies before we had our pre-hurricane meal. If the world was going to end, I wanted to make sure that we at least ate dessert. I just work that way I guess.

I made myself a stiff drink – stiff enough to calm my nerves, but not so sloshy that I couldn’t function. I did a card reading that washed away a little bit more of that anxiety. It just hinted that we were where we were supposed to be. It helped. I was calm and able to sleep until the storm hit and turned off the lights.

It was quiet and loud all at the same time. The creaks and groans of metal, wood, and all things man had tried to piece together in shelter. The freight train and whirring shreaks of the 100-plus mile per hour winds. The sharp and swift snap of trees. The crash and crunch of where the trees were thrown and tossed. Everything was kissed by salt – as if this was just a bad dream while on vacation again at the beach house. The speed and sheer force for the wind was so much more than I had expected. The water had always been my worry, and I’d given little thought to what wind was capable of.

Morning broke and we had no power, just a few rooms run off the generator. We had no running water because our house runs off the Well. Every surface outside was littered with flecks of green and brown. Several trees were torn from the ground and slapped elsewhere – on power lines and rooftops. Some were snapped plain in half.

We had 2 basically where Zach and I live. One on the small shed supported up by a small fishing boat. One large crushing the back roof of paint booth and draped across the building roof, stuck in place by the fan’s exhaust shroud. Cables ripped and stripped from where they once were. The guys tried to go out to survey damage once we knew the storm had passed (after hours of wind and rain). They got stuck for a little while – a tree fell after they drove down the road and we had to get a chainsaw to cut it out and to the side.

Days were filled with yard work and more yard work. There were people from all over the country trying to work with the power companies to restore power to the millions of people in our Houston area – the disaster area compared to the size of New York state. We tried to distract each other with cool drinks and late night Scrabble bouts. The weather turned cool which made the lack of A/C bearable. I eventually got used to the gentle whir of the generator at night and now kind of wonder how I’ll sleep without it tonight. Outlook would go back and forth from bleak to elated constantly.

I felt cut off and disconnected. The first few days my phone would work – hit or miss. Nothing like what I was used to. I had to wait 2 hours in the car for Gas. Stores were normally closed, or their shelves were bare and people could only go in “One family member per group.” We had assigned dinnerware. We’d drive to shower in the dark, but at least there was a shower. And sometimes it might be hot. We gathered around radios and battery-operated TV’s for news for a change. I think that was the first time my Radio’s ever been on AM, embarrassingly enough. Everything got singed with the scent of fire. I actually welled up a bit with tears when Candy and I went out together and I saw a WORKING stoplight. I worried about how we would keep Taylor’s insulin cold. She’s only 11 years old and our only niece. Their power was out and we all looked for ice to keep her medicine cool in coolers. I was so glad Mom went to Lawton as much as I missed her. Her nursing home/rehab got water and lost power. They were on generators for quite a while with the rest of us.

I reassured friends and family that it was all OK – not as bad as it sounded, even if they said it might be a month again before we had lights. I eventually had work to distract me with its normal stress again. I was glad in a bittersweet way. A few friends and family didn’t have much to go back to – some work places completely destroyed or time delay due to power outages and water.

I got depressed as the days worn on, but it really was only a week or so. I felt like a wuss in reflection because for us, it REALLY wasn’t that bad. Some places for some people, no lights, no water and no end in sight is a reality – every day. And so many so close to here have lost EVERYTHING. I think back on where we stayed over Memorial Day weekend quite a bit now. I’m not 100% sure, but they say that beach is gone completely now. The house we made home for a short while is now probably stilts or just debris. It really makes you think of all that we take for granted here every day. It will take me a while to not kind of act surprised when I flick a switch and light comes on. Hopefully this new spark of thought won’t fade. We're home now. Now for the overwhelming task of cleaning it all up and clearing our heads again. Like I said, things are falling back into place, but altered with the opportunity of variable change.

All for now, going to try and sleep.

Like WHOA

DAMN THAT BITCH IS HUGE!

Quickie

Super quick update -

Ike is on its merry little way to H*town. I am kind of freaking out because I've never been in Houston for what looks to be a real hurricane. We got all prepped and spazzed over Rita, but where I'm at, it didn't really happen much. They are saying Ike is going to be stronger than Alicia, and well, I have heard way too many scary stories about that Bitch. So yeah, I'm freaked.

We've done what we can for the night. I'm trying to do as much laundry as possible so that we have clean clothes at least! :D Zach's dad has a generator at his place if we lose power, but still.

Mom is out. Uncle Bill drove her to Oklahoma today, so I'm really relieved about that. She has meds and is out of the Home for a week at least and she is safe. I was REALLY freaking out over that!!!

Work is closed. I was there until 5PM today and won't have to go back until Monday - as long as the building and such is still there.

I'll keep you posted when I can if I can :D Happy thought this way, OK?

Sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to shoot something.

Sometimes I cook just to get the funk out of my head - like the whirling aromas and playful mixtures for spice wisps away all that is bad for the day.

Sometimes I wish there was Nothing. Just complete silence for just a little while.

Sometimes I get my hopes up in people that I know really are going to let me down sooner than I expected, but I still hope - hope for a change. A surprise.

Sometimes I work late because I revel in the distraction - work is one of the few places I feel like what I do matters to how things keep going.

Sometimes I really miss my fair-weather friends because they were comforting for a little while.

Sometimes I hate being the oldest.

Sometimes I hate needing to be responsible the majority of the time.

Sometimes I write letters that I know I won't send just to vent it out.

Sometimes I really think my dog's the only one that really listens to me when I'm talking.

My next job - What do you think?

OH BABY YOU!!!!!!!!

OK so this has been in my head for the past few days... sing along!

Frustration Inspiration

So I'm really wanting some new dishes for the house. Zach and family got me this amazing dragonfly tea set a year or so back for Christmas and it's amazing. I love it so much. It's an actual cast iron set from Japan. It's really inspired what I want my kitchen to be like - the set a focal point of all the dinnerware. Now to find something remotely similar. *bangs head on desk*

Yawn

This is how Dottie and I both feel right now. Tuckered out. Exhausted. Uber sleepy. I was so tired that I fell asleep on the bean bag with her this afternoon after work. When Zach came home, we moved to the bed for "just 10 more minutes, OK." An hour or so later, I woke up realizing I hadn't cooked dinner yet. I wish I knew what was making me feel so pukey and tired.




Too bad it's only Tuesday - I'm so ready for this weekend to catch up on some sleep!

Night.

Sometimes we get just what we needed

Tonight's cards before bed - it's been a few days and this is only the 2nd time I've "used" them; I'm so glad I did now. I feel a little better of how this week might play out for me and just my general direction in these few new things. The first description is from the small pamphlet that came with my Thoth cards and the second from the other deck pamphlet. Pretty interesting and definitely more of what I needed to hear to keep me going on the right track.

1st - Ace of Cups
The Root of the Powers of Water. Fertility. Productivity. Beauty. Pleasure & hope.

Happiness arrives soon, but it make take some effort to bring it to fruition. Those around are more emotional than usual. Don't rely on them to be the voice of reason.

2nd - Six of Cups
Pleasure. Well-being. Effortless harmony. Ease. Satisfaction. Happiness. Success. Fulfillment of sexual will. Beginnings of improvements. Presumptuous. Vain. Thankless.

Personal magnetism is on the rise. Be firm in affairs of the heart. Don't let the past detract from the present. This is an excellent time to start a new love affair, renew vows, or relocate.

3rd - Three of Wands
Virtue. Established strength. Success after struggle. Pride & arrogance. Realization of hope. Conceit.

You are very good at putting the talents and skills of others to their use. Be specific about what you want and don't be misled by well-meaning friends. This is not a lonely time. Use strength of those around you - teamwork brings luck.

4th - Knight of Disks
The fiery part of earth. A farmer, patient, laborious and clever. Somewhat dull & preoccupied with material things. Influenced: Avaricious, surly, petty, jealous.

You've been questioning whether you'll ever have enough money to get things you want and need. You rarely feel discouraged, but lately you lack confidence in the future. Success is around the corner, but first you must learn budget time & money better.

Craving

I don't know what it is lately, but I've had a craving for sweets. Like the lovely gelato pictured to the left. Mmmmm gelato. Like the kind they have at Rao's. Crap!

I have done a good job ignoring it, but damn, this is killing me! I haven't given in or anything, but I'm starting to think that it is only a matter of time. ::shrug:: I don't know if I'm sick for my grandmother or if it's something else.

Whenever I don't talk to Gma or see her in a while, I start to miss the things we do. Last time she was in town, she had a major sweet tooth. We went to Rao's twice while she was here. I wish my aunt had never introduced Gma to that place - she couldn't get "goodies" out of her mind. I really didn't want anything while we were there, but was just happy to oblige. So even though I was just in Oklahoma for the 4th, I guess I'm feeling homesick.

But it's not just home I miss. I'm really missing the "girl time" I used to make such a big part of my life. Luckily I'm going to meet Chessy and probably Stephanie for coffee tomorrow morning/afternoon. That will probably help with this funk. I need to get out more like that. I know I'm not a "mommy" but I still think I need a Mommy's day out.

So maybe it's not just the creamy, sugary goodness of gelato I crave. I need a little "life" back in my life - starting with more girl time, more "date"like stuff for me and the Boy, and maybe some trips, some barhopping, and more than likely - some karaoke.

New Tea Review

Celestial Seasonings - Tension Tamer

So tonight I finally tried out the new tea I bought Monday when I was out with Candy. After burning through all the expensive stuff that Zach bought me from Teavana, I've been wanting to try out different kinds. I considered this one because it's caffeine free. I haven't given up on my C-fix entirely, just have been trying to cut down.

First off, this tea smells great. Somehow minty and citrus at the same time. I really, really like the strong scent of just the dry tea itself. Zach thought it smelled nice, and when I stupidly tried to show Dottie, she just ripped the tea bag from my hands - sending tea all over the kitchen floor. Duh, puppies don't sniff - they snatch and try to devour. After cleaning up that and consoling my dog from my scream of shock, I got out a second bag and brewed it up.

The tea's a little on the weak side. :/ I left it seeping longer than usual, but it still pretty light. I do like the flavor, so I'll have to double check the water level in my tea pot next time or try 2 bags. I'm not sure if I feel tamed of tension after my cup, but I do feel refreshed. A lot more clear headed. I don't think this will end up being a night time tea for me - I feel pretty keyed up despite the lack of caffeine. Maybe this will be a good tea to have before I do any energy work or readings. It's a good balance - calming/cleansing to open the mind/senses to something else or the upcoming day. All in a little hot cup!

I might even have to try this one cold. Yum!!!

Here's a pic of the box

Hee hee little feet

This is my nephew - Little John(athan). I snapped this picture while I was up in Oklahoma for Independence day weekend. This kid screams A LOT, but he's really giggly and happy when you keep him moving and if you play with his feet in his face. Cute kid.

Fine Time for the Internets

Well, our metal building is finally catching up with the times – we actually have high speed internet now. Ever since Zach got the PS3 Independence Day weekend, he’s been itching to upgrade. And after playing online with Denny until 4:30AM the other night, I knew it would only be a matter of time. I know it sounds crazy/stupid to not encourage getting the internet. It’s been quite inconvenient over the past few years not being able to just "go look it up” with ease, but my reasoning was the more convenient and home-y this place gets, the more likely we’d never move out. Oh well, too late. I might as well enjoy it as much as possible now. Zach’s even agreed to look at the laptop and try to get it working for me. I probably won’t need it much because I’m sure he’ll be bogarting the PS3 or the Wii online. ::shrug:: I really don’t mind much.

Things are really good lately – I feel like I might jinx myself in saying that, but it has to be said. I’m pretty chipper. I was in a fairly rough rut there, but I think I’m starting to climb out somewhat now. A big part of everything that has been dragging me down is a whole lot of unfinished business. I have a ton of things going on all the time as usual, but this is a bit different. I’m in a state of sorting things out. I know that part of my exhaustion is carrying around all this unfiltered, unorganized energy. Instead of letting life buzz around me and of me rushing from point A to point Zillion, I’m working on being a channel. Slowly, but effectively. Detailed, but efficiently, I’m making my way through things. And I’m really finding a ton of satisfaction in it. And with ever bit of success, I feel like I’m tapping into this exciting new person: what I really feel like is my true purposeful self.

Enough of the touchy feely getting to know myself business….. onto the random.

I’m re-reading Twilight by Stephanie Meyers. I absolutely love the pent up teenage romance plus vampire mix of them all. It’s ridiculous – no, it’s ridonkulous. I’ve read the 3 books that are out, but am going to re-read them before Breaking Dawn comes out on August 1st. Not only is there a new book coming out, but there’s a MOVIE in the works. I’m so excited – like a little school girl. Candy and I have pre-registered for our books and watched the trailers/sneak peek clips more times then I can count. It’s crazy fun. :D

I am in the works so sketching up and really laying out ideas for a gang. It’s not as serious as it sounds – it’s actually very hilarious. Adam and Chessy came up with our own street gang – Curbside. Zach makes fun of me sometimes when I bring it up – saying something about Curbside service at Chili’s. Little does he know that he’s the pop culture fool, but if I’m not mistaken, I really think Curbside is an old Applebee’s commercial thing, not Chili’s. Or maybe it’s that damn Bennigan’s or T.G.I.F’s. But yeah, Curbside, yo! We’re some of the least urban people I know, but, church, Curbside is our own thang. We’re going to have bling medallions and stuff hanging on some large-ass glitter-dipped macaroni dooky chains. Really it’s just another reason for me to get to hang out with my Fabulous Chessy. And get crafty. It’s very exciting. Even if we just end up with some busted cardboard wrapped in tin-foil on paper clip chains.

Oh, and don’t touch the trim!

Oops Accidentally deleted a post

Quickie (Originally Posted 7/10)

I had a great trip home this Independence Day weekend. It was glorious. I got a chance to catch up with old friends and see my family. Pictures and more on the trip later.

Ever since coming back, my entire body schedule has been off. I can't get back in the groove. I've had a dull migrane, neck pain, and tingles since Sunday. I'm exhausted. More so than I can ever remember being without prescriptions. Seriously. Monday I was in bed before 8:30PM. Tuesday night I slept all the way until almost 7AM Wednesday morning (which was just great because I should have ALREADY been at work). And last night after I got home, I went straight to bed. That's right; I went to bed at like 7:30PM and slept pretty soundly all night long. I got up once to change into PJs when I realized I had actually just fallen asleep in my work clothes at like midnight. Despite all the sleep I'm getting, I am still tired all day long. I swear if I sit still too long and it's the perfect amount of cold and quiet, I'll fall asleep sitting up. Here's to playing the radio loud when driving!

More later. Just had to type up a quick one so I don't fall asleep ;)

Hee hee

I love it when get caught being kind of cute in a picture. And I love it when I have pics of Zach all dolled up. :D

Here's the couple making their getaway between a death row of sparklers! FUN!!!!

:D More pics of the wedding that I got from Dad's camera at my Picasa page... http://www.picasaweb.google.com/valstaten

Whole lot of shaking going on...

Things have been so crazy and I really haven't had a chance to slow down and reflect. Summer has yet to "officially" begin, but it's pretty much in swing in my book. The temperatures, along with the stress levels, have skyrocketed. Things are crazy busy everywhere - home, work, etc. We've all had to jump in and jump on, or be left behind.

Memorial weekend was a blast. A perfect jump start to what my summer should be all about. The beach house was just close and far away enough from the sounds and party of the shore. The only water I drank came in the form of melted ice-slush of my many pina coladas. Up and down the beach in a bathing suit top and shorts on the back of a pick-up truck or on a golf cart. Hell, I even picked up a few strands of beads and maybe a few lesbians on the way. The theme of the weekend was basically "You don't get something for nothing." LOL Enough said. I left that beach house a little more sunkissed and with a closer friendship wit a few friends and co-workers.

The next weekend started the beginning of wedding activity. Saturday was supposed to be Candy's bachelorette party. Chese was going to ride with me - her first outing since the baby really. Candy's "maid of honor" did not give her any night of debauchery as we had all hoped, and Mack let me down more than I had ever expected. We went to a strange bar. Too early. Before it even opened and we waited outside. No one elese was there at the bar until 11PM. The night was more about Mack and his newly-21 year old girlfriend slamming back as much as possible at the bar while we tried to have a little fun in a dark back booth.

Things are just different since the party - was a long time coming, but this all sealed the deal. History - Mack and I used to be close. He's the reason I ever met any of the rest of the crew. But that initial friendship was ages ago, and it's not a relationship either did a good job of maintaining. He only seemed to invest much later in the past few years when it was convenient for him and I slacked off because I've always had plenty of other situations in my life where I have to pull the majority of the weight. That said it's easy to say there's a lot of distance - both in miles and time.

Things were said that night and I'm not sure where it came from, but my own feelings aside, that was not a bachelorette party. Hell, it wasn't even a party for Candy. It was lame - all the more reason for us to give her another party - a "real" bachelorette party.

The next week and a half was a blur of bridal shower, work, shopping, etc. I even had to fight it out with customer service people to finally get my bridesmaid dress. And I had work. Rushing to get prepared for my few days off for the wedding.

I also had to prepare for a bachelorette part to blow everything out of the water. I haven't ever been to one, but I read some stuff on the internet. So armed with some web suggestions and a giggly conversation with Chessy, I went to Cindie's - a local dirty shop of goods. I left with a plain white bag full of party tools - a veil with light-up penises and condoms, a flashing penis princess scepter, penis straws, a penis candy necklace, and penis whistles. The next night for the party was full of jokes, $1 drinks, dirty dances, ass slapping, ass grabbing, and such. It was a freaking blast and those guys really put on a REAL SHOW!!! I think certain people know what I want for my birthday. Just kidding.

The next day was the recovery. I mean the rehearsal. It went over well, but the chapel made me nervous with how warm it was. We had a wonderful dinner over at Niki's with yummy BBQ and even better homemade potato salad. I would have never guessed I'd like green olives so much. There was some relaxation and some drinking. And more men in my house sleeping then I'm really comfortable with.

Then the big day. We had a lunch that was really too large for comfort. I went to my hair appointment after packing up everything that I would have to tote to the wedding for to get ready. Crystal did a great job as always. Candy was late. She wasn't really getting the help she needed at home, but at least I could make her another appointment. And swing thru Starbuck's for some Save-the-day-just-relax tea. She did show up and we rushed to chapel - only a few minutes late.

I did our make-up. Fixed Taylor's hair. The time spent getting ready seemed to just be gone in a blink. Before I knew it we were in line to walk down the aisle. Before I knew it Candy was walking down the aisle. Everything was gorgeous. And in a blink. It was over. They were married. It was great. The reception was a blast and fun. Zach cracked the crowd up during the toasts with his Bush impression - and I was introduced as "the Secretary of......uh.. Me." It was great and I didn't cry too much. Oh and on the getaway drive off - Dad and Shelley ran out of gas. Priceless.

And now I'm back to work and regular life.. bleh. Only wonderful thing since was meeting my nephew. He's 2.5 months old and way too cute. My sister, grandmother, and nephew all came down and are here until next Tuesday. At least I have his drooley little face to look forward to for a few more days.

Pictures to follow :D

In the moment

Kind of feeling a bit broken in this moment. And it sucks.

Quick thanks

Thanks be to all the powers out there greater than myself - my stupid dress has FINALLY shipped! Whew - it was getting close there.

More on the weekend later.

Crystal Beach/Port Bolivar

This is where I'll be.

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Whew.

Quick like a bunny. I've got so much going on it's not funny. No, really, we shouldn't laugh at how much I always seem to put on my plate.

I'm going to the beach this weekend. At a beach house. Not going home ALL weekend until Monday. This will be the first time that I've left the house for a good length of time since Mom got sick. We'll see how it goes.

I've got my bathing suit. I've got my dog stuff. I've got my boy stuff. I've got my crochet. And dirty smut sci-fi romance novels. OH and new sunglasses that make me look ... funny. We'll see how it goes.

Pictures soon!

New addiction, folks.

So my new addiction is Diet Dr. Pepper Cherry Chocolate. It's sad but true. It's like a liquid chocolate-covered cherry. And I must have it! What am I going to do when this "limited edition" is over? :(

bleh.

Don't really know what is going on lately, but I just feel like "bleh." So much drama over the last week with finding out all the lies and craziness that is April that I'm just left in a funk. I don't get a lot of the stuff that April did. She manipulated all of us into thinking that she needed the escape and the freedom, when the true picture of her situation was something that she had created all on her own. And after all that we did for her and all the neck that was stuck out and put on the line, she almost ran away with some loser on the internet that she'd never met in her real life. My feelings were hurt, but really I hurt much more for her 7 and 9-year old daughters. Insane.

Other than that, not too terribly much has been going on. But with all the distraction, I didn't really have much time to think about the slump I was falling into more and more each day. I've been declining this way for a while, but the empty progressed quite a bit this week. It's kind of different this time though because I haven't just broken down and I haven't had tons of sleepless nights. So maybe this time it will be different. I'm trying to be pro-active in recognizing that I feel out of it and do something about it. Just hard to fix what's wrong when you're not quite sure what it is. *shrug*

If I'm going to be in a funk, why can't it look like this?

yum

Sometimes I think the best and only solution to sleepy-head and sadness is COFFEE. And maybe Chocolate. Hopefully this will help? PLEASE! Because I seriously am in need of a pick-me-up. *Downing cup #2 now*

Current mood - overwhelmed.

Current mood - overwhelmed. Period. Seriously, I don't know how the last couple of days have happened. I don't know how the next few will. I'm finding that a lot of things that I never would have expected to happen can IN FACT happen and will. This is totally out of my control, and I kind of find some strange comfort in that. These things have both been of the good and of the bad - strangely enough. And I think for the first time in a long time, I am kind of OK with the fact that I was wrong. That's all for now - maybe I'll find some time later to get the rest of this junk out of my head. :D

This was right after my haircut-- you see the new bangs and the color. And you can see what I now realize are the hugest eyes ever. Gawd.

Ehh.. whatever

Although we really didn't do ANYTHING for our anniversary - and did NOT go on our little outting over the 3-day weekend that I had planned - it went alright. I'm just tired and glad that I had the extra day for the weekend. I'm exhausted, and really there's no reason. The one thing I did accomplish was reading one of the Hot romance/paranormal books Candy's mom let me borrow. On book #5 now. Wow. I think that is why I'm in such a funk about how borring my life is, nothing can compare to hot, sexy fiction. Good thing there's only one more book in this series, and then maybe I'll feel better about my life. Notice how it's NOT inspiring me to work on livening things up on my own. I am just waiting on forgetting that romance and all that BS exists. I did make an attempt or two, so not all hope is lost. I cut and colored my hair Friday, and Zach and I did have a little romantic/date time yesterday.

At least I am working on being a little more creative. I need to do something with my hands and keep myself busy. Since Denny and Candy are getting MARRIED, I'm going to make them a queen-size afghan. I'm excited about buying more yarn. It's been SO long. It's a really fun heart cable pattern, and I'll post pictures when I get some squares done.

Speaking of pictures, I have started taking more. I'll be posting them at least once a week. :D We'll see how that goes. I've got to take it easy on all the promises!

Until next time.. ciao!

New Monthly Ritual

So yesterday after work was my first massage in a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally long time. :D YAY! I've only had one before this - years ago when a high school friend of mine was attending massage therapy school and needed to do more intern massage hours. And now I'm hooked. Seriously, I won't let myself do this every week, but at least once a month!!!

Hayley and I had been trying to plan this out for sometime, and when we bought the last office ladies birthday massage gift certificate, she and I threw in for a 3-pack of 1-hour massages at the Relax Station in Kingwood.
That has to be the best $40 you can spend on an hour. I was pretty relaxed from our margarita lunch and the second we had to kill time before our appointment, but after getting all the knots and kinks worked out of me for an hour, I was useless. She even found a spot in my back that when she massaged and pressed on the points, I swear my arms and hands lifted off the table. Oh and I've never had some one massage my face, but gosh, I'm glad that was first because I would have drooled all over the place if it was at the end. I was quasi-awake for the whole thing and in a perfect inbetween of conscious and unconscious, hot and cold. I need to plan the next one a little better because my body was complete jello after that. I was having to actually say out loud "OK leg, time to push foot on the brake." Ha ha.

And then I came home. Had dinner with Zach, Denny, and Candy.

Zach told me he didn't want to go anywhere for our anniversary thing Friday. He's an ass. He says he just wants to relax today and that going to Shiner and all that didn't really sound all that fun. So my plans are ruined and all I've gotten him was a card. Which I know is more than he probably has done for me. So we probably won't celebrate anything this weekend, and we probably won't need to ever celebrate anniversaries again. I got pissed off and just shut down. And went to bed.

I did however have the best night of sleep I've had in a long time. I jumped out of bed thinking I was late for work this morning, realized that I was taking a vacation day, and laid there for the next hour thinking if I should really just stay home or go in to work anyway. After I gave in and went back to sleep, I had that weird dream again where I won the lottery from a scratch off. Something like $6-8 billion but I'm always some one else and always doing something different right before I win. I always wake up after losing the ticket and searching for it before I go to Austin. The dream is pretty random, but happens every so often. The details are always a little fuzzy and different, but I always have a leather jacket, end up in a swimming pool, and lose the ticket for a portion of time. Strange.

Off to my day/weekend of probably nothing. *le sigh*

things I love.. things I hate

I love my friends. I have these relationships with people I'd never imagine would waltz in my file and make me laugh until I just might pee my pants. Some are family - some are better than family - some are almost family. And I wouldn't be able to think without them. I get a little lost and deflated here and there, and these are the people that bring me back to center and make me believe that I'm worth it. Now the thing I hate most about these people that I love so much - that sometimes they hurt and I can't fix it. :(

Whew.. is it over yet?

So I'm in such a freaking rush for this week to be over. I'm actually taking a day off and doing a little something something for myself and my Honey. Thursday my co-worker/friend and I are going in for an hour massage - granted we're going to have a spa day paid by the company in May, but we just can't wait that long. Then I'm taking Friday off and so is Zach. Sunday is our 7 year anniversary.

I've got it planned sorta. Well, I convinced both of us to plan a day off - together. Ha ha. And we've always wanted to visit the Shiner brewery. We've been to the local micro-brewery Saint Arnold's here once, but that's it. There's been a lot of beer consumed in our years of dating - and a good part of it has been Shiner, because it's Zach's favorite. So why the hell not?

Other than that, I've got nothing else, but a card. I can't remember a year where I just don't have anything really pulled together. I guess there's a first for everything? But I'm really out of ideas/inspiration, but really, I just don't have a clue.

I know that it probably isn't that big of a deal to anyone else but myself, but geez. You just get used to a certain way, and it's hard to break form.

Then again I do have a pretty bad habit of going over the top. Maybe this is just another one of those cases?

Either way, no matter what happens, Zach will know he's loved and I can't imagine the last and the next seven years without him. I'll just keep that in mind and keep working on something. :D Lucky seven. Doesn't that mean we've survived the 7-year itch?

Note to self: Need to watch that movie. Maybe this weekend!